How to bribe your child when diplomacy fails

We certainly have all been there. All you want is for your demon of a child to sit still while you brush their hair. It’s hard enough being a dad with large manly hands trying to gently grasp all the whispy strands of hair not getting with the program here, while at the same time you hear for the billion-th time the “Hot Dog Dance” theme song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Hot Diggity Dog!!!

Some of my favorite moments have been trying to persuade my daughter to do what I ask of her to do. Most of the time it’s either to get her dressed because...whoops...slept in again and church starts in 10 mins, or her hands are covered in sticky candy residue because silly me thought that all children sit down patiently with lollipops and gently place them somewhere safe while they climb all over your newly purchased couch 🤦🏻‍♂️, or better yet she has wandered away from you while trying to load up the car for an exciting day at the pool...but she don’t care because...there’s grass to run on, flowers to rip apart, and my all time favorite *drumroll* doggie landmines. Ugh.

How does my rockstar wife handle this 11th plague of Egypt everyday? Because my wife is a badass mom who takes no crap from anyone, including her demon child baby. But I got a trick up ol’ daddies cut off sleeved trying to look macho Little Mermaid shirt. 

Ding ding ding! Bribery!!!

You bet your bottom dollar Annie I got some bribery tricks that will make Ol’ daddy Warbucks get all NYC up in here!!!

1. Candy/ice cream/popsicle: I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty...giving my daughter a bag of gummies or a dumdum pop just so she would simma’ down, but honestly nothing gets that girl sitting pretty than good ol’ fashion sugar! Of course as a dad I do not fully realize the magnitude of the dramatic repercussions I will undoubtedly face in a couple hours, but hey she was quiet long enough for me to level up my character on my favorite game Win win! (Jk lol #kidding)
2. iPad movie/Disney Jr.: I really do undervalue the power that mouse has. I mean Disneyland for years has been taking our money. Literally we just give that place everything we own just to pay for overpriced corn dogs and stand in line for hours just to ride something that is over in less than 5 mins. Gotta love Disney. Though the moment I flip that tube on, she B-lines it for her favorite Unicorn themed soft chair (Thanks Momere) waiting to be mindlessly entertained. Her mouth slightly relaxes to an open position and her eyes are fixated on the shenanigans Mickey Mouse and his Mouseketeer’s get into. Granted, I have found myself sitting and enjoying and episode or two, but she could go all day if we let her. 🤦🏻‍♂️What have we done!?!?
3. The *gasp* and *ahhh* trick: Now you might know what this is. I conjured this beauty back in the days when I would watch my nephews, who by the way penned the meaning of demon child long before my daughter. It is quite simple. Take something in your hand, a random object or a book/toy of theirs. I have quite literally picked up a piece of trash laying on the floor for this doozie. Once you have your item, hold it in your hand as if it is one of the coolest most interesting things you have ever seen in your whole life. Give a large *gasp* and *ahhh* while looking back at your devil kin. I would say 50% of the time they will be hooked, running to you with enamored curiosity only to be shocked when it was nothing but lies and deceit (but now I can swap out that diaper filled with last nights Indian food for a clean one ya hippie!!!) The other 50% of the time they will most likely just stare at you without blinking and most likely say in their heads “Not today Satan!” 😐

Mind you, we still get our daughter to expend most of her energy playing outside, getting in tickle/pillow fights with dada, or being swung around by Mom singing “No more monkeys jumping on the bed.” It’s just reality hits you often when you don’t expect it and sometimes you need a little trick to help you through the day.